Mental Health and Alcohol - Kirsty’s story.
Kirsty - aged 14.
My mental health had been poor since I was in my mid-teens. But at that time I didn't realise I had poor mental health, I thought I was just inherently bad. I was told that by my teachers, my parents and other key adults in my life. Around the time I started my periods I was reporting that I felt “mental”. Having since accessed my medical records it was around this time I started to complain of physical symptoms, a sore tummy, lightheadedness and it was reported I had ticks, I’d click my fingers, I still do but I have learnt how to hide it and do it by squeezing my fingers against my hands until my fingers crack. I still have to move my shoulders sometimes, if I don’t I feel too distracted. I was told all this was attention seeking and deliberately distracting my classmates. I had my first alcoholic drink around this time too. That resulted in being hospitalised and having my stomach pumped. All before the age of 15.
In my late teens until I had my kid at 26 I was heavily into the rave scene, this was the late 90’s into the early 2000’s. I lived abroad and I took a huge amount of recreational drugs. I used to say if I took speed I got more done the next day. I think for many reading this now it is probably quite clear what I possibly had, have, am. But at the age of 47 I am still awaiting a diagnosis. I have medical and educational professionals in my private life and it’s clear to many that I have ADHD. I was first told this in around 2002 by someone who worked with “badly behaved children” But I was never given this diagnosis by my GP. I am working with an amazing GP now who, on reading my medical reports, told me that it makes sense to get an assessment done. I can’t afford the private assessment so I am on the NHS waiting list. Part of me is unsure if an official diagnosis will help but like many women my age it would feel lovely to make sense of my past.
Since the early 2000’s I have been misdiagnosed as manic depressive, I spent time in Edinburgh's mental hospital early in my 20’s. Bi-polar disorder, I was on antipsychotics, quetiapine, for a large part of my 20’s and 30’s along with various antidepressants and mood stabilisers such as lamotrigine. Along with many contraceptives not to stop me getting pregnant but to manage my mental health. Throughout all this I drank excessively and after the sudden loss of my mum in 2010 my drinking and drug taking spiralled. I was drinking every day and using cocaine regularly. Unsurprisingly my mental health got worse and worse.
In December 2017, when my suicidal ideations were constant and when I thought everyone would be better off without me, I finally managed to stop drinking. I ain't gonna go too much into how I did that as it's documented all over our social media and on numerous podcasts, but I am gonna tell you how I now have the best mental health I have had in my whole life! It's certainly no coincidence that I no longer sink three bottles of wine a night.
In 2018/19 and with the help of my GP I finally came off all my medication! I have now lived 5 years without it, cause I don’t need it. I am sure I don’t have to say that I am not telling you that you don’t need yours! That’s a conversation you should have with your own GP. But I was finally able to be honest with them and tell them how much I drank and that now I didn’t drink, I wanted to explore coming off my medication.
Alcohol is a major depressant. It slows brain function by affecting the neurotransmitter GABA. Alcohol can worsen symptoms of depression, and in some cases cause them! When I drank I felt totally helpless, I couldn’t see any way to change. I believed I was useless, I only saw myself as a problem drinker. I couldn’t see all the other, good, things I was. I had zero motivation to do anything, so when a well meaning health professional or friend told me to try exercise it felt as manageable as speaking in Cantonese, it wasn’t gonna happen! My self talk was outrageous, I used to stand in the shower and say out loud, I am fucking useless, I am the worst mum/friend/partner. I was affirming this to myself daily! These days if I find myself talking shit about myself I check myself and take time to explore why I think it's a good thing to speak to myself in this way, it never is! I can stop and make changes almost immediately. In the sober world we talk about sober toolkits, mine is the same as my mental health toolkit -
Journaling, especially gratitude
Good night's sleep
Eating a balanced diet
Moving my body through exercise and dance - a good kitchen rave can really help me shake the blues away!
Being honest with my loved ones about how I feel
Cancelling plans if I am feeling overwhelmed or tired (boundaries work, so important!)
Never drinking, it's mad that I wrote this so far down the list. I know I will never drink again! My life is too good without it!
Getting outside, especially on the days I don’t want to!
Alone time is as important as time spent with friends, this is mega. I used to think I hated being alone. Now I love it.
Reading
Listening to music
A lot of these things above are on my list of joy. I will be doing a post on our social media this week about why I have a list of joy. When you are someone who spent years seeking out all the reasons life is shit it's super helpful to have a list when you feel yourself going down that path again!
I’ll be honest, if I read this post when I was in the throes of my problematic drinking I probably would have rolled my eyes and called myself a wanker. I do get it. It seems like a lot. Stopping drinking and doing all the things listed above. But I didn't do all that the day I stopped drinking. I worked so hard on avoiding that first drink and slowly but surely I was able to answer a very simple question I asked myself each day, how can I care for myself today. That’s a question I still ask myself on occasion. Cause stopping drinking and taking drugs doesn’t mean life is constantly rosy. I can still at times feel anxious, hello perimenopause, I can still wake up and feel a little low in mood. But I can see past both those things. I know now that all things must pass and that impermanence is the only permanent thing! I am over the moon to be alive, I am so grateful that I finally stopped drinking, I look up regularly and see the most beautiful skies, I swim in the sea, I stop to listen to the birds singing when I am out running, I look into the eyes of my daughter and realise I am living a life way beyond my wildest dreams.
It has taken me years to get here, I wonder what the possible ADHD diagnosis would mean to me but I do know hand on heart that it won’t derail me. My mental health has never been better, I love being alive and I know I have so much more to do, give and experience and none of this would have been possible if I hadn’t stopped drinking!
If you are affected by anything I have shared in my blog please do check out the signpost list below - if you are looking for connection and fun times with other sober and sober curious people why not come to one of our meet-ups or online sessions. You can find out more on our insta and facebook pages. You would be most welcome!
Big love - Kirsty
Samaritans | Every life lost to suicide is a tragedy | Here to listen - 116 123
Home - Mind - 0300 123 3393
National charity helping people with Anxiety - Anxiety UK - 03444 775 774
Drug & Alcohol Rehab Scotland | Abbeycare Rehab Clinics (abbeycarefoundation.com) - 01603 513 091
Scottish Families Affected by Alcohol & Drugs (sfad.org.uk) - 08080 10 10 11
Mental health - NHS (www.nhs.uk)
Alcohol and Drugs | Turning Point Scotland
Mental Health Foundation | Good mental health for all
CALM - 0800 58 58 58
Rethink - 0300 5000 927
